Ylissean Bachelor
by ItsComplicatedOkay
Summary: Chrom is forced to join a dating game-show hosted by a slightly-loony Robin for the sake of "Team Dynamics" and "Battlefield Babies". What could possibly go wrong? Let's find out!
1. Battlefield Babies! ?

**1.) Hello! Welcome to my first multi-chapter FE story! Hopefully this goes well.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem: Awakening. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Enjoy!**

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_Chapter One: "Battlefield Babies!?"_

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"Hello, and welcome to 'Ylissean Bachelors'!" said Robin, a bright smile on her face, as she motioned to the huge sign above which depicted the title of the show in big, flashy letters. Below the sign were four seats, with one of the seats cut off from the rest thanks to a nifty divider. "This is the show where a lucky bachelor gets to walk home – and into bed – with one of three beautiful warriors!"

As applause sang off from the crowd, Robin was yanked backstage by the Prince of Ylisse himself, Chrom. He was in his usual attire – royal blue armor with a missing shoulder pad to flaunt the Mark of the Exalt properly – and he was showing an expression that didn't really suit him: he was sweating bullets, his hands quivering towards his trusty blade Falchion. The fearless leader of the Shepherds was nervous. "Yes, Chrom?"

"Robin, why are we doing this again?" asked blue-nette, narrowing his eyes at the chair that was obviously meant for him. The white-haired tactician gave him a playful smirk, and Chrom decided that trying to push the mischievous Anna and the intelligent tactician together was a bad idea.

"This is to increase Team Dynamics," said Robin, getting into a lecturing pose: left hand on right elbow, with right arm and right index finger-pointing skyward. "And this is for the sake of creating the perfect 'Battlefield Babies'!"

"_'Battlefield Babies'!?_ What in gods' name does that mean-"

"And we're back from a surprise commercial break!" interjected Robin, cutting the poor prince off. Dragging the said prince into the limelight, Robin continued. "Here's our lucky bachelor for tonight! For the sake of the contest, he'll go by the alias of 'Krom'."

"But aren't they the same-"

"Anyway, give a round of applause for Krom!" interrupted the tactician/show host, leading the heir to the throne to the chair. Chrom noticed that he couldn't see the other chairs, thanks to the big wall that was blocking his view. After the cheers coming from the audience subsided, Robin said, "Now, let's introduce the bachelorettes!"

At Robin's command, three women - namely Sumia, Cordelia, and Tharja – were ushered into the three remaining seats. "Now, let's explain the rules. These three lovely ladies, who we will call A, B, and C, are going to be asked questions by Krom-"

"Captain!?" cried Sumia (AKA Lady A), her voice magically transformed into Lissa's, much to the young Cleric's chagrin. Robin smirked, and decided that it was the perfect segue to her next topic.

"As you can see, folks, A's voice – and B and C's voice, for that matter – have been magically altered, so that the bachelor won't be able to tell the voices apart," said Robin. The girl walked up to Chrom, handing him an index card. The card – which was labeled "Question 1" in hastily scribbled handwriting – had nine questions on it. "Alright, Krom, pick a question for Lady A!"

Chrom examined the card, and sighed out of relief. He had thought that the questions would be more on the perverted side, factoring in Robin's new mischievous side into the equation. Luckily all the questions were basic and simple. Some examples of questions on the card are "Swords or lances?" and "Strawberry or chocolate?" Robin, noticing the sigh, smirked. There would be time for the more... exciting questions later on in the program. "Krom, have you decided?"

"Well, let's get this over with then." At that, Robin chanted a few mystic words, the magical lights dimming till only a single magic orb was left, its light fixated on Sumia. "Lady A, would you- Robin, will this _really_ help-"

"Yes, it will. Not hurry up, you're keeping the wonderful audience waiting!" said Robin, waving her hand towards the crowd. Steeling himself, he nodded, and continued.

"Would you prefer to go to our... honeymoon suite on horseback, or on the reliable mount of a pegasus?" asked Chrom, barely getting "honeymoon suite" out of his mouth. He didn't really like to talk about romance. He was a fighter – not a lover – and he felt like he was married to his work. He didn't want to hurt anyone through a game show-induced romance.

"A pegasus, of course," Sumia answered immediately, sighing a little out of relief. "That's where I'm at my most comfortable." Indeed, pegasus riding was the only aspect of her life that she hasn't tripped up in: her love life was down the drain (thanks to an oblivious blue-headed leader of hers), her cooking was decent at best (though she _was_ slowly getting better – her last palatable rhubarb pie trial only took fifteen tries, and it didn't taste that bad), and she still couldn't get the handle on walking on a flat surface with out falling flat on her face. Pegasus riding, you could say, was her one and only skill. The lights finally returned, after Sumia's answer sank in.

Interested, Chrom decided to leech out a little more info. "Really now? Why-"

"What a smart answer, Lady A, but we must get the show moving! Now onto the next lovely lady!" Robin said, cutting off Chrom yet again. Chrom bit back a sigh. It would only give the strategy-addicted tactician satisfaction. The lights all dimmed, till the limelight graced Cordelia's features. "Lady B, get ready for Krom's next question!"

_'C'mon, Cordelia, you read _'Make Him Fall For You in a Fortnight'_,'_ said Cordelia, calming herself down. _'You can handle... whoever 'Krom' is. Hopefully it isn't the Chrom I know, or else I'll die of embarrassment.'_

"Hm..." said Chrom, calmly flipping through the rest of the questions. It seems that the prince had finally accepted his fate, and has now adapted to it. The sweaty expression he wore earlier on had upgraded into the handsome face he usually had on, which melted the hearts of some of the girls in the audience into little puddles of lust. "Lady B, do you like blue hair or brown hair?"

"U-Uh..." mumbled Cordelia, a certain Captain with unruly blue hair popping into her mind. "B-Brown hair, o-of course!" Deep inside, Cordelia was smacking herself with a Silver Lance which she didn't have enough weapon proficiency to wield. _'Argh, get yourself together, Cordelia! This may be your only chance to get over..._ him._'_

As the light returned to the studio, Chrom, looking up at the blue mess on his head, shrugged his shoulders. "Well, thank you for your opinion-"

"Ooh, looks like Lady B lost a few Love Points!" said Robin. "Krom is known to love his royal-blue hair of his. In fact, he spends whatever time he has not training or eating pie to tame that mop-"

"I don't do that, Robin," said Chrom. He was speaking the truth – he only spent thirty minutes grooming it everyday. "You know that-"

"Please, Krom," said Robin, holding up a hand. "After we tried making Morgan in the wee little hours before dawn, you were combing that thing like it was dying-"

"Who's Morgan, and we never did what you were saying!" cried Chrom. The Krom fangirls quickly put down their pitchforks. "Ugh, I should've never told you that Anna needed to find someone to Pair Up with-"

"Anyway, sorry for your loss, Lady B, but let's keep the ball rolling! Spotlight on C please!" The lights dimmed for the third time that night, as the remaining light shined down on Tharja, who had a malicious-and-sadistic grin on her face. "Go, Krom!"

"Would you ever cheat on me with another man?" asked Chrom in a monotone voice, wanting to get the show over as quickly as possible, so as not to lose the small amount of dignity he still had left. Tharja's expression remained the same, seemingly unaffected by the controversial topic that Chrom had put up.

"No... but cheating on you with another _woman_ is completely possible," said Tharja, eying Robin with an ominous grin. A huge comedic drop of sweat formed on Robin's forehead.

"...We shall be having a long commercial break to regain the sanity of the bachelor and hostess. See you in the next chapter!"

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**2.) Anyway, please support this story by subscribing, favorite-ing, and reviewing! It helps to inspire me, which leads to a new update!**

**3.) If you _are_ going to review, feel free to suggest a few questions for round two of the game-show!**

**Till we meet again...**


	2. Oh great, there are SCORES now

**1.) Welcome back! I'm just _loving _the feedback that you guys have been tossing at me: this is my most reviewed FE story ever! As a result, I made this chapter 25% longer (accidentally). Hopefully we can push this to new heights!**

**2.) I'd give a shout-out to the peeps who I got some of the questions from, if ever, but I'll just let Chrom handle that. Anyway, if I picked your questions or not, I thank you all for contributing to this story!**

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_Chapter Two: "Oh great, there are _scores_ now."_

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"And we're back, with sanity intact!" cheered Robin, confetti falling from the sky. She pulled out a staff, as the camera zoomed in on a sigil inscribed on it. It depicted a bald guy holding up a staff in an overly dramatic way. "I'd like to thank our sponsor 'Wrys's Staves' for that speedy recovery!" Behind the Anna-ized Tactician was a tired-looking Chrom, his grip on Falchion's pommel turning his knuckles white. "Anyway, let's get on with the recap of the scores-"

"Oh great, there are _scores_ now," sighed Chrom, palming his face. "I thought I'd just pick a girl after the three rounds were up based on their answers. Y'know, free will."

"'Free will'?" asked Robin, a question mark popping up above her head. She pulled out a silver stylus, showing it off to the prince. "Please, Krom, with the power of this stick, I control your whole life. Who told you that sheathing Falchion in favor for a much stronger Silver Sword in the fight that almost cost you your life?"

"Okay, I will agree with whatever you say," said Chrom._ 'Just stop breaking the fourth wall!'_

"Anyway, here's the recap! In the bottom with one lonely point is Lady B! Apparently the judges are very strict when it comes to hair color compatibility!"

"Wait, judges!?"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot!" said the peppy white-headed women, motioning towards the three sitting behind the white table. "Here are your judges for tonight!"

Chrom, scanning the judges' table, sighed. "Frederick and Lissa, how in the world did you get to become judges!?"

"I, Frederick the Wary, must be wary of your potential lover," said Frederick, wearing the stern look that was always on his face. Chrom sighed, as he lowered his gaze at Frederick's shaking shoulders. The blue Captain had to commend the pre-promote's ability to hide his feelings, though. According to Frederick's shaking shoulders, he _really_ wanted to laugh.

"I want to show everyone that I can be mature, so I joined this mature show!" said Lissa, the prospect of finding a lover sounding so mature in her mind.

"Well, you picked the wrong program," said Robin, taking back control over the show. "Anyway-"

"But who is that?" asked Chrom, pointing at a mysterious cloaked figure. When Robin shrugged, the prince had to hold in a sigh. "I should've known-"

"_Anyway_," interjected the hostess, "Lovely A has a decent two, while C has a one point lead on A!" Almost everyone fell out of their seats. C's insane answer beat A's innocent answer!? Robin swiped an index card from the judges' table, and read it. "Apparently... they think that having inter-gender relationships will spice up the relationship nicely." Frederick and Lissa were both nodding, while the cloaked figure just shrugged.

"W-What!? You know what, I won't even ask anymore," said Chrom, slumping back into his seat. "Please, let's just end this." Robin walked over to him, and switched out the old question card with a new one. Chrom read through it, and smiled. No insane crap was written! He had thought that Robin or whoever wrote the questions had lost any and all respect for him and the ladies, but apparently, he was wrong. Simple, sensible questions. Chrom liked simple and sensible. "Alright, I'm ready."

"Okay, we're going to mix it up a little in this round," said Robin, snapping her fingers. At her command, small podiums rose from the ground in front of the girls, each having a big red button adorned on it. "Krom will ask a question, and the girl who would like to answer has to slam her chest – yes, chest – onto the button. If two out of three judges approve, then she gets a point. Once a girl has gotten a point, her button will be deactivated, so only choose questions that you're sure that you can answer! Alright, Krom, start!"

"From** Blue's Pichu** – whoever he is - : There's someone you like but you don't know how to approach him. What will you do?" asked Chrom. Instantly, the Pegasus Knights froze. Neither of them had the courage to actually approach their love interest with romance in mind, and they couldn't just answer with "Bake him a pie/check Make Him Fall For You in a Fortnight for tips". That was just weird, though it wasn't like there weren't weirder answers said. Sadly for them, a certain Dark Mage pressed her bountiful rack against the button, temporarily locking the buttons of the other ladies. At Robin's command, the light all centered towards the hex expert as the white-haired tactician took center-stage.

"Alright, go Lady C!" cheered Robin, rallying up the crowd.

"I don't need to approach anyone, since I'm always near the people I love," said Tharja, warming the audience's collective heart. Even Chrom, who was expecting a very out-of-this-world answer from the controversial lady, was at ease with the answer. "Stalking gets you near enough, right?" Everyone, excluding the judges, fell out of their seats. Speaking of the judges, Frederick glared at Tharja... before slowly putting up a thumb, the panel above him displaying a green check symbol.

"W-Where did that answer come from!?" cried Chrom, staggering to his feet after face-faulting hard to the ground. "No – where did that check sign thing come from!? Ugh, y'know what, I won't give a care anymore. There are just some things that can't change, no matter how much someone challenges their fate, and the insanity of this game show is something that will never leave."

As the hooded figure flinched a little at Chrom's words, Lissa looked at the check mark above Frederick's head, and thumbs-upped too, copying a grown-up so that she could be "just like her sister". "Alright, Tharja gets the full three points, making her total score six! The next question to be answered will be worth only two points, by the way! Now, Krom, pick anoth- ooh, an audience question!"

A banner with the words "Audience Question!" was flashed above the Ylissean Bachelor sign. Before Chrom could even be in shock, the cue card in his hand just disintegrated, as magical letters appeared in front of the audience, forming a question. Robin, holding up a book, said, "Hm... the question is... 'If your husband had special tears that granted strength in battle, would you make him cry till he was dry for said tears?' That was from- hey, Ann!"

"Hello to you too, hon!" said a smirking Anna with a Levin Sword in hand. Chrom just had to palm his face: whenever Anna and Robin were together, trouble (mostly for him) was sure to follow. Then the gravity of the question shocked him.

"Where did _that_ question come from? Grima's underwear drawer!?" cried Chrom, though once he remembered that the crazy lady had already used up her turn, he merely slumped back into his chair, instead of using Falchion to rid the place of evil. Thank goodness for small graces! Unlike the calmed-down Chrom...

...The other two were nervous wrecks. Both needed love, and their dark mage competitor – who could obviously take love by force – was beating them. It didn't help that the questions were starting to get insane! Still, since she actually had a chance to best Tharja, Sumia took the courage, and slammed her armored chest against the button. Instantly, the balls of light zoned in on her, as she started sweating bullets.

"Uhh... I would?" said Sumia, shrugging her shoulders. It was a good guess – it seemed that the judges liked extreme actions – but it wasn't good enough. A loud "_**ENK!**_" echoed through the room, as Frederick and Lissa, red x's above their heads, shook their heads in synchrony. "Aww, for Naga's sake..."

"'Men aren't supposed to cry under any circumstances' says the judges," said Robin, reading off their reason. "Poor A doesn't get any points in this round. Oh well, the last – but not the least – is Lady B. Krom, are you ready?"

"No." Robin fell down. "Sure, her answer wasn't _perfect_, but it was the weird question's fault that she had a dumb answer. Where did the question come from!?"

Anna appeared right beside Chrom. "Well, you see-"

"_Gwah!_" Chrom fell on the ground, as the trickster giggled. "Where did you come from!?"

"That doesn't matter," said Anna, steering away the conversation. "What does matter is my story. Okay, it was a dark and stormy night-"

"Seriously? How cliché."

"Fine," said Anna, waving his insult away. "It was a normal day in the barracks..."

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_FLASHBACK_

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_"Hey, Tiki," said the red-head, slinging her arm over the manakete's shoulder. "I heard a little something from Robin." Tiki sighed, her gaze moving towards her hand. It was still sore from all the autograph signings._

_"What exactly have you heard?" asked Tiki, slightly interested... out of concern. Anna was simply a big pile of avarice with an eccentric personality slapped into it. Having a C Support with a gal like that tended to make you cautious towards – for lack of a better term – greedy dastards._

_"That you're a_ great_ cook!" said Anna, whipping out a kitchen knife and three onions. "I also heard that you're a wiz with the knife! Care to show me your prowess? I need a little help."_

_It was all true. Living old for centuries kinda made knowing how to cook a requirement, especially when she couldn't just turn into a dragon to hunt down food all the time, thanks to shortening Dragonstone supplies. "...If that is all that you require of me."_

_"Cha-ching!" The manakete glared at her. "A-Ah... I'm trying to make a profitable eatery stand, and knowing how to cook will help exponentially."_

_Shrugging her shoulders, the busty woman started chopping up the onions, tears inevitably falling thanks to the onion's acidic powers – tears which were swiftly caught by Anna. These babies sold for two-hundred fifty gold for every green drop, and if ever she needed a little stat boost, she could take one – just one – and all other stats would be boosted for the battle._

_"Have you *sniff*taken note on *sniff* the proper cutting technique *sniff*, Anna?" said a teary eyed Tiki, eyeing the red-head out of suspicion._

_"Yes ma'am!"_

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_FLASHBACK_

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"So _that_ was your real guise, Anna," said Tiki, appearing from behind the set. (Why? She was a candidate for being one of the lovely bachelorettes of the show, so that she wouldn't be lonely anymore. Too bad Tharja beat her.) She was thumbing a green orb with two silver bands surrounding it – a Dragonstone + - and was looking a little pissed. Anna noticed it, and started backing away... till her back touched a sheathed Falchion. The trickster followed the arm, her gaze leading to the face of a smirking Chrom.

"Your end has come!" Now, he wasn't one for revenge, but the game show was just plan torture, especially thanks to Anna's weird question. He deserved to get some fun out of this. Chrom pushed the red-head towards the busty manakete, as the latter latched her hand onto Anna's wrist, trapping her with her grip of steel. The poor girl was dragged backstage, at the mercy of the pissed off Tiki.

"Agh, _ahhhhhhhhh!_ No, not there, anywhere but there! Please, Tiki! I-I'll give you a discount on vulneraries- _gwah!_ Oh _sweet mama!_ Why did you put that up my as-" Robin clapped her hands, sealing off all sound from the room. Chrom sweat-dropped, but didn't regret his decision to get Anna punished. Much. (Tiki could be a cruel mistress.)

"Wow, we went _way_ off track there!" said Robin, steering back the audience's attention. "I hope you enjoyed it, though! Anyway, please ask your question, Krom. Lady B, for one point-"

"What's your favorite novel?" asked Chrom.

"'Make Him Fall For You in a Fortnight-' oh gods!" She actually said it. Instead of saying as safe answer like "Ribald Tales of the Faith War" - which was actually Sumia's favorite story – she said something as... steamy and embarrassingly romantic as _that_ book. "I-I meant-"

"And Cordelia gets the point!" cheered Robin, the rest of the audience following her glee. Two green check marks were above the smug mugs of Frederick and Lissa, the cloaked companion of theirs looking lonely with a red X above its head. "The judges like women experienced in the sack, and apparently, MHFFYiaF has a _lot_ of kinky stuff in it. Krom, if Lady B wins, prepare to have a lot of... _fun_ at night!"

"W-What!?" cried the two at the same time, both red-faced. Chrom, despite his noble stature, couldn't keep a dignified face on, and nosebled. He never knew that you could have a projectile nosebleed. On the other hand, Cordelia was a mess. She had gotten the PG13 version of the book (she had it ever since she had laid eyes on Chrom, which was at the ripe age of fifteen), so she had no idea on what "kinky" stuff was inside that R18 version. "O-Oh never mind... / Sigh..."

"Alright, that was a _wild_ second round! Tharja now has a whopping _six_ points, while Sumia and Cordelia are tied in the back with two each," said Robin. "Luckily for them, the points in the next and final round are worth three times the amount of points! Anyway, my name is Robin, this is 'Ylissean Bachelor', and we hope to see you after the final commercial break!"

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_**Footnotes:**_

_**Krom: Romanized version of Chrom's Japanese name**_

_**Wrys's Staves: Reference to Shadow Dragon's first cleric, Wrys**_

_**Tiki's Tear: A temporary stat booster just as described by Anna **_

_**"Your end has come!": one of Chrom's Critical Hit lines**_

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**3.) I hope that you've all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed making it!**

**4.) Please support the story by favorite-ing, subscribing, and reviewing. If you do happen to review, feel free to drop a few questions (make sure they're crazy and off the wall). I really need some (I'm running out of ideas...)**

**Till we meet again...**


	3. You're just saying your Crit Hit lines!

**1.) Here is the final installment in Ylissean Bachelor! To celebrate that, I finally got around to making a cover for this! Sure, it's a crappy cover, but it's better than having "Mar-Mar's" amazing mug distracting you from the story.**

**2.) If you're a fan of the TV show "Survivor", you may not want to read the first few paragraphs.**

**Disclaimer is still in effect, people!**

**Enjoy!**

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_Chapter Three: "You're just spouting out your Critical Hit lines!"_

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"'This is it, our final battle'," grunted Robin, mimicking Chrom's voice with great success. Instead of palming his face or sighing, the blue-haired Lord merely rolled his eyes. It seems that he's now used to the insanity that YB could bring. Little did he know that Robin has yet to pull all the stops. "Anyway, folks, welcome to the final round of 'Ylissean Bachelor'!"

At the words "Ylissean Bachelor", all light dimmed. In the blink of an eye, a large fire ignited right behind Chrom's fireproof seat, bringing an ominous look to the Falchion wielder... who not-so-ominously fell out of his seat. Stomach to the floor, he rolled around to face the inferno behind him, the end of his cape dirtied with soot. "W-What the-!?"

"You like it?" rhetorically asked Robin, shooting Chrom a wink. Chrom grimaced in response. Random explosions of scalding flames weren't on his "Stuff to Expect" list that he had made throughout the course of the show. Robin, noticing the gesture of ill will, held up two fingers in a V shape. "I thought the final round of YB needed a little punch. Hopefully this made for a good kick!"

"Where did you get this? The set of Survivor?" asked Chrom, the glare on his mug growing. He slowly got up, the flames behind him making his silhouette one of horror. Hand on Falchion's grip, Chrom continued his rant. "Are we gonna have to go survive on a tropical island, or hold overly dramatized eliminations that could've just been done with a raise of hands instead of burning a bunch of pieces of paper? How about 'real' segments depicting our castaway lives that are obviously scripted? Tell me, Robin, _tell me!_"

"Um, we're experiencing some technical difficulties," said Robin to the camera, "so we're going to take a short break. We'll be back in ten!" Once the cameras switched to the standby screen saver (which featured a light blue-haired Lord in a white dress) and the curtains closed, Robin pointed a finger at the agitated man.

"Urgh!" Chrom was held in place by a very creepy purple miasma that drained him of energy. He looked at the back of Robin's hand - a glowing purple tattoo on the back of it. She smiled, whipping out a piece of Gaius' Confect, which boosted stats and was a pretty tasty stress reliever. She walked up to the disabled Chrom and forced one down his maw, making him chew it. Instantly, Chrom's expression softened, and instead of anger, mere annoyance was on his face. "Relax, Krom. I know that not being able to bed someone till the end of the show is a little stressful-"

"That's not why I'm ticked-"

"-but look on the bright side. Right after the show, Libra will wed you with one of the ladies in five minutes tops, and after that, you can hit the sack and make some Battlefield Babies. Doesn't that sound great?"

"Well, getting out of here sounds like a good idea..." entertained Chrom, who was ushered back into his seat by the hostess. "Fine, let's get this over with."

"Alright, curtains up, let's get the ball rolling, people!" said Robin, the invisible stagehands doing as she commanded. "The difficulties have been dealt with, so the show shall go on! Okay, okay, quiet down, people! Anyway, a quick recap: C's in the lead, with A and B tied in the back. Luckily for them, this round has a points multiplier of three, so they may be able to catch up if they get their questions right. Okay, Krom, take this questions card."

The Tactician walked over to the steel wielder, holding out the card to him. He took it... and promptly nosebled, falling limp onto the cold stone floor. As his blood leaked out onto the floor, Robin quickly ran to save what was important. "Whoo, I'm glad you're safe, index card number three!"

"T-Too... k-kinky," muttered Chrom, his whole lower face covered in the red liquid. He whipped out Falchion and used it to prop himself up, wiping his face on his sleeve. "I-I would complain about the questions, but I _really_ want to return to Ylisstol, so I'll just ask the question. Lady A, would you like to do... _it_ in the stables, or in the kitchen?"

All the light zoned in on Sumia's flushed face, which was growing redder and redder by the minute. She shuffled around cutely, a pout on her face. All the males in the crowd swooned. "Well, there are pegasi in the stables, right?"

"Yes, but where are you going with this?" asked Chrom, who was a little surprised that Robin hadn't interrupted him.

"Well," said Sumia, who bowed her head ot of embarrassment, "maybe we could do... it on the pe...ga...si."

"_Yeeeeesssss!_" the crowd cheered, as all three judges had green check panels above their heads. Sumia, seeing that everyone was looking straight at her red face, curled up into a ball, her legs covering her bent over head from view. Her fellow Pegasus Knight and bachelorette Cordelia was shocked at the kinky answer of her comrade, while Tharja just checked Robin out. Speaking of Robin, she tried to calm down the crowd.

"Quiet down over there, people!" hollered Robin. "Anyway, Lady A here gets three points, and with the multiplier in place, that three is now a nine! Give it up for Lady A with eleven points! Alright, can we have the question for Lady B, Krom?"

"This game show's degraded into a 'Who can be the most perverted?' contest..." sighed Chrom, his resolve slowly slipping out of his hand. "Good grief. Anyway, Lady B, would you rather adopt a boy with a bloodthirsty sword hand, or a girl with... _the hots for her dad!?_"

The crowd "oo-ed", the spotlight centering in the redheaded beauty. For once, she wasn't panicking or sweating bullets. She was calm. She had the answers. "I'd prefer the boy."

"Interesting. Any reason why?" asked Chrom. surprisingly, no one cut of his inquiry, which almost always happened when the prince was to speak. Cordelia, with a face of reluctance, sighed.

"You could say that I'm the jealous type," admitted Cordelia, blushing a little. "I'd probably be jealous over anyone who was in love with Chr- ahem, my husband. I don't want to harbor any ill feelings towards my offspring. Besides, daughters can't S Support their fathers."

_"Objection!"_ cried the cloaked judge. All heads turned towards her, including one tired Chrom. _'Great, just when I hear a sensible answer, the people here go crazy on me. Awesome.'_

"What you said is _not_ true!" yelled the figure, tossing the cloak off of her person. She was a beauty. Long flowing blue hair; a lithe, tall figure; very fine features; unblemished skin; and deep blue eyes. Speaking about eyes, her left eye had a familiar looking mark in it: the Mark of the Exalt. "My name is Lucina, and I _can_ marry my father!"

"L-Lucina!?" sputtered Robin, shocked. She backed away, leaning on the chair Chrom was on. "W-What's she doing here!?"

"You know this weirdo?" asked Chrom before mentally slapping himself. Of course she knew: why would she be acting that way if she _didn't_ know her. "Never mind that. Who is she, what's that in her eye, and why is she into dads!?"

"She's your daughter from the future!" said Robin, showing Chrom Lucina's wiki page. Chrom gasped, as everyone else gasped. They all knew the authenticity of the legendary Fire Emblem Wikia doctrine, and what it says is the truth. There would be no denying it: Lucina was Chrom's future daughter. "But I never knew that she had this intense of a father complex."

"It's not a complex - it's true love!" cried Lucina, putting her hand on her blade. Chrom looked at the hilt and noticed that it was exactly the same as Falchion's: yet more proof of their relationship. "Who wouldn't fall in love with you, Chrom?"

"_Captain!?_" cried both Cordelia and Sumia, scrambling out of their seats. Once they were out of their seats, the voices were un-Lissa-ed, revealing their identities to Chrom. Being able to see them help him a little. "You have a daughter!?"

"I didn't know!" replied Chrom, who was freaking out. "Wait! If she's my daughter, then she knows who I married! All we have to do is ask her who the mommy is, then we can stop this horrible show!" All heads turned towards the woman, asking the million bullion question.

"I am my own mother." Everyone fell out of their seats. "Well, my timeline says that I travelled back through time with the help of Naga (who's into Yaoi), and I kidnapped and bedded Father on the bed backstage. Then, I kept his seed inside me till I gave birth to Lucina."

"B-But that's impossible!" objected Chrom, whose head was about to explode. "That just doesn't make any sense!"

"It is possible," interjected Robin, who had glasses on and was researching on her tablet. Chrom sighed, and sunk into his chair. "According to this archive called 'Peace's Woodland', Chrom will always produce Lucina, no matter who the mother is. Man, Chrom, your 'stuff' is weird."

"Not the point!" complained Chrom, trying to get the conversation back on track. "Anyway, I'm sorry, but I'm just not into incest. It's against the rules of Fire Emblem."

"**You cannot stop me!**" replied Lucina, her person the very definition of confident. In fact, if you looked up "confident" in the dictionary... you'd find the word. What, did you think that you'd find Lucina's face in it? You're crazy.

"But this is your fate," said Tharja, who was chilling on her seat while working on her hexes. "Daughters can only reach A Rank. You need an S Rank to be able to marry."

"**I challenge my fate!**"

"You're just spouting out your Critical Hit lines!" retorted Chrom, who had robbed Robin of her tablet. "It's the end of the road, Lucina!"

Robin cheered, "**Checkmate!**"

Chrom sighed. "Not you too..."

"No, Father, **I say when it ends!**" cried Lucina. Remember her confident stance? That was gone, for as she ran out of lines, she ran out of confidence. "Don't try to contest me, Chrom, for my** hope will never die!** Now, let's go the peaceful route. I'll tie you up on the bed to prevent escape, and we'll be finished in ten minutes. Doesn't that sound nice? Anyway, even if you refuse me, I'll still bed you, no matter what. That fact won't change!"

"**Anything can ****change**-"

"Look who's reciting their Critical Hit lines now," commented Robin. She received a glare in response.

"-Shut up. Anyway, I refuse. It's not just because you're my daughter. It's because these women over there tried their hardest to win me over, despite this jerk's dumb questions-"

"I take offense to that!" protested Robin. She was ignored. "

"-and I don't want to waste their efforts." Cordelia blushed, and Sumia nearly swooned. Tharja was still relaxing in her chair, sneaking Robin a few looks every now and then. "Besides, I want my daughter to be called Catria, not Lucina." Everyone fell down. Unluckily for Cordelia, she hit her head on the hard podium that Sumia sat behind earlier, knocking the "perfect" Pegasus Knight out. Luckily, no one else was injured.

"I tried to talk peacefully, but I guess that isn't always enough," muttered Lucina, who drew Falchion... and dropped it. She untied her sheath and dropped that two. It perplexed everyone. "I learned this from the canon timeline. **Prepare to meet the light!**"

"Come on, that line isn't even from Fire Emblem!" compained Robin, as Lucina charged, pulling back her right fist. Chrom looked at Frederick and Lissa, who were both laughing their butts off - no help there. He looked at the two contestants in view - one was unconscious, while one was a klutz. Again, no help there. Chrom dragged his sight towards Robin, who was for some reason as pale as snow.

"Sumia-"

"Chrom, hit the deck!" cried Robin, tackling him to the ground as Lucina lunged at them.

"-_p__unch!_" cried the blue haired girl, throwing her punch. A beam of light shot out of her fist, sailed over their heads, and smashed the chair Chrom had been sitting on into smithereens. Robin continued to pale, wrapping her arms and legs around Chrom, who did the same thing as her. You could tell that they were very scared. Who wouldn't be scared if a girl who could shoot laser beams out of her fist!? "You see, Chrom. This ability of mine, this Sumia Punch, is an ability I learned from my canon timeline. It was thanks to her that I could kidnap and bed you, starting the alternate Lucina timeline I'm from. Ready to surrender, Father-"

"This is what you get for hurting Captain!" cried Sumia, slapping Lucina with a closed fist, just like when she slapped Chrom out of his melancholy induced depression, only this one was much, much harder thanks to Sumia's higher Strength stat. Lucina flew through the roof and into the sky, leaving a Lucina shaped hole in the roof. "Are you okay, Captain?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Chrom, getting up. Noticing that he was cuddling with Robin, he quickly pushed her away, a small blush growing on his cheek. Robin smirked, and would've teased him, but she had a show to wrap up. Dusting herself off and fixing the microphone on her person, she took center stage.

"Wow, what a wild ride! Crazy answers, rogue judges, Falcon Punch parodies, this round makes this episode of Ylissean Bachelor the craziest episode in Ylissean Bachelor history-"

"-this is the only episode in Ylissean Bachelor history."

"Be quiet, Chrom! Anyway, since we are lacking a judge, we're going to have to end this game of YB in a tie. Chrom will continue to go about womanless."

"You say that like it's an insult!"

"Anyway, we hope to see you in the next season of Ylissean Bachelor, where we try to get Chrom bedded yet again!"

"Next season!? Ugh, forget it, I'm going home."

* * *

_**Footnotes:**_

**_Survivor Rant: The opinion of Chrom does not reflect the opinion of the show or author. Please don't flame._**

**_Lord in a white dress: Bride Eirika_**

**_Peace's Woodland: Spoof of Serene's Forest_**

**_Words in bold: Lines recited during a critical hit cutscene_**

**_Catria: Premiering in Shadow Dragon, Catria is one of the Pegasus Knights under Minerva's command. It's hinted that she has an unrequited crush on Marth._**

**_Prepare to meet the light!: Said by Pit from Kid Icarus: Uprising _**

* * *

**3.) Well, that's all, folks! I hope you had just as much fun reading it as I had writing it. I also hope that the little Lucina twist surprised you. I did hint at it earlier in the story, so some of you might have guessed it.**

**4.) Oh yeah, I'd like to point out something about the cover. Robin's smile looks kinda weird, doesn't it? I don't think she sports that smile in the game. I wonder where that came from. Oh wait: it's obvious. Anyway, first one to guess the smile's true identity gets virtual cookies! (::) (::)**

**5.) Anyway, there are no plans to pen a second season to YB at the moment (which is business talk for "No sequel for you, suckers!"), so sorry for that. If I get a ton of reviews saying "Give us a sequel, or we'll trash your FEA story idea!", then I may consider writing a successor for YB.**

**6.) WARNING! SHAMELESS PLUG! Speaking of FEA story ideas, I'm planning to write an epic one. Sadly, it's not a comedy. *cue the boo's* It's a... okay. You know all those "Author gets sucked into the realm of Awakening" stories? Yeah, I'm gonna put a twist on it. It all starts with a Lucina Outrealm card...**

**Till we meet again...**


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